The Anomaly (Or, The Dragonborn Trolls the Past)
by poke-a-spark
Summary: I thought I'd damn near seen and done it all in my years as Dragonborn. Getting blackout drunk and waking up in a strange location really can be considered just a normal Tirdas for me. Getting blackout drunk and waking up without my stuff, alone, and in Coldharbour? That's new. - Journal of Khoa the Dragonborn [F!DB][F!Vestige][Long/Short Snippets][Probably Cracky][F/F Eventually]


_**Day**_ _– 22_ _nd_ _of Morning Star – Middas_

 _ **Year**_ _– 4E206 (I think? It was the end of Evening Star 4E205 last I checked, but I heard someone mention it being the end of Morning Star, so...)_

 _Dear Journal,_

 _You don't know me yet – mostly because I just found you half buried in the sand while scavenging through a shipwreck - and this is my first entry. Why am I writing in a new journal when I still had room in my last one? I'm glad you asked. One day, if I live long enough, I'll probably look back on this entry and laugh at the chaos that is my life. Or cry. Or even make myself filthy rich by publishing my memoirs so that others can enjoy my misfortune._

 _On second thought, I probably won't live that long. There's only so much healing spells and potions can do before the amount of liquor I consume daily wins the war for my liver._

 _But back to the issue of needing a new journal._

 _So I thought I'd damn near seen and done it all in my years as Dragonborn. It's been, what? Four or five years since Alduin burned down Helgen and unwittingly saved my head from the chopping block? Feels longer, really – I've packed a hell of a lot of living into those short years. Lots of overarching adventures, prophecies, juggling multiple quests with the fate of the world held in the balance, helping every other villager and their dog with the inanest of tasks. Not to mention the copious amounts of killing, looting, and hoarding, all the while somehow attracting loyal followers who complain about constantly being led into dark caves and crypts full of undead and spiders - but always follow along anyways._

 _(Honestly that last one is the most baffling to me. I do a lot of adventuring, so the amount of junk I pick up makes sense. How I collect followers who are so insanely loyal is what I've yet to figure out. Even that one dog I had for a_ _ **week**_ _jumped in front of a dragon for me and boy did that not turn out well…)_

 _I'm rambling again. But, you're a new journal - and this is my first entry - so a little backstory is acceptable._

 _Bottom line – I've done and seen a lot of shit, most of it of the you-had-to-see-it-to-believe-it variety. Getting blackout drunk and waking up in a strange location is absolutely tame compared to some of my misadventures, and really can be considered just a normal Tirdas. Getting blackout drunk and waking up without my stuff, alone, and in Coldharbour of all places?_

 _Not even I have an imagination twisted enough to make this shit up._

 _XXWhat's next, debating the merits of swiss over gouda with Sheo?XX_

 _(Actually I'm just going to scratch that out, no need to tempt fate.)_

 _But do you want to know the absolute worse part, Journal? Do you?_

 _Running through Coldharbour with the mother of all hangovers. Has to be in the top… ten, maybe five, most unpleasant experiences I've had the misfortune of being subjected to._

 _And I've been subjected to a lot._

 **0o0oo0o0**

"Whoa… Are… -ight?"

"…"

"…name's…"

Khoa groaned quietly as the sound of someone speaking loudly slowly filtered into her pounding head. Hearing a loud grunt and the clang of metal on metal, she flinched, her other senses slowly coming back to her. She wasn't exactly sure where she was yet, but she was cold, sore, and surrounded by something she could swear was emanating a slight chill.

Also, she was laying on something hard and rather pointy – if this was supposed to be an inn, she was going to be speaking to the innkeeper about getting either a refund or a few drinks on the house.

"…Hope… got fight… you."

Wincing as the voice got louder, and figuring it wasn't going away anytime soon, Khoa reluctantly uncurled herself and sat up. Hand rising to cradle her pounding head, she blearily looked to the far side of the room as a shout suddenly rang out. Another groan tore itself from her throat as a fresh spike of pain shot through her head.

"Can you quiet down? Some of us are trying to sleep here." Khoa rasped quietly, each word accompanied by a wince and a mental battle-axe to the brain.

"You're going to nee- behind you!"

Khoa's vision slowly sharpened and settled. Blinking slowly, she could just make out two other figures in the gloom. The taller one stepped forward, hand on her hilt, while the shorter one spun around to face her.

"Stand back, our voices must have woken a feral." The taller woman warned, weapon drawn and held securely in both hands.

Khoa blinked slowly, hazy mind parsing through the woman's words before her lips settled in an affronted frown. "…Rude." She croaked, throat dry and voice hoarse.

Ignoring the startled look on the woman's face at her words, Khoa slowly stood up and watched as what she now realized was a mountain of bleached bones fell down around her feet. Nose wrinkling at the sight, she cautiously stepped out of the pile she had been buried in, gait only slightly wobbly.

"Who are- Arkay's Beard, _are you naked_?" The tall woman exclaimed in shock.

Khoa glanced down with a slight noise of comprehension and wiggled her bare toes.

Huh. So that's why she was so cold. Interesting.

Squinting in the dim torchlight, Khoa finally took the time to casually study her surroundings. While certainly not ideal, waking up naked in a dim cell filled with bones whilst being gawked at by two strangers didn't even rate a spot on the top five worst morning afters. Top ten, _maybe_ , but that had more to do with the gods awful headache and nausea currently plaguing her than her actual situation. Felt even worse than a normal hangover, which left her absently wondering just how much she actually drank the night before.

At least, she's almost certain she won the bet. There's no way she ended up like this and didn't drink more than Sofia, Vilja, and Embry _combined_. Naked in a creepy cell full of bones absolutely beats off-key singing, terrible flirting, table dancing, and passing out under the table. Now if she could only remember what the prize was…

"…llo? Can you hear me?"

Khoa winced as the woman spoke louder, as if that ever helped anyone – she was _hungover_ , not _deaf_. Holding up a finger, she was gratified when the tall – Nord? – woman ceased speaking. Breathing slowly, Khoa dipped into her magicka reserves and frowned in confusion at just how depleted they were. Another lance of pain had her pushing aside the how and the why for the moment, and she focused instead on simply being grateful she had enough left to power one of her favorite healing spells.

Though she had yet to find a spell able to completely cure a hangover, she found that she could at least take the edge off. It wasn't a particularly strong spell, hence not using much magicka, but once it did its job she sighed in relief as the pounding in her skull dulled to a more manageable level of pain. Slowly stretching her sore muscles – a pile of bones was a less than ideal bed – Khoa smacked her lips and wrinkled her nose at the awful taste in her mouth.

Turning abruptly, Khoa regarded the startled Nord with a sudden intensity in her clear green eyes. "Do you have a mint?" She asked seriously, voice still hoarse but no longer inaudible.

"What?" The Nord exclaimed, baffled. "No."

"No?" Khoa sighed then mused almost longingly. "Sweet roll, maybe? A flask of honeyed wine? Not even? Between you, me, and the Dunmer statue over there, my mouth tastes like I've spent the past few hours sucking on a draugr. The fact that this place seems to be filled to the brim with dead bodies really doesn't put my mind at ease, you know?"

Silence greeted her words, causing Khoa to blink at her stupefied audience in concern. "Are you two alright?"

"Are we-" The Nord looked at her blankly. "Who _are_ you?"

"Khoa. I'd say it's a pleasure, but," Khoa looked pointedly at her surroundings before shrugging in a what-can-you-do manner. "Who are you?"

"The name's Lyris." The Nord – Lyris - answered automatically.

Khoa nodded before turning her attention from the tall warrior to the silent Dunmer behind her. "And you?"

"…Elukaena." The Dunmer answered after a long moment, her voice low and flat.

"Great," Khoa wobbled out from her corner, trying to be selective with her steps. Now that her hangover wasn't _as_ debilitating as before, she was distinctly aware of the unpleasant sensation of sharp bones poking at her feet. "I don't suppose that gung-ho attitude of yours means you know where the exit is? I'm afraid I've gotten a little turned around. And on that note, where is here exactly?"

"Why are you naked?" Lyris asked abruptly, once more reminded of Khoa's state of undress as she stepped further into the torchlight. "Where are your clothes?"

"You know, I don't have the faintest clue." Khoa watched in amusement as Lyris pointedly looked away, flustered. That was Nord prudishness at its finest. Her pride took a small hit, however, when Elukaena kept staring with blank red orbs - as if she were no more interesting than the dirt on the floor. "If it helps, I'm certain I was wearing some when I went to sleep."

Khoa paused, thought about just how drunk she probably was to end up in her current situation, and amended her statement. "Mostly certain. There's a fifty-fifty chance, if I'm being brutally honest."

A noise escaped Lyris' throat, somewhere between perturbed and exasperated.

"Yeah," Khoa nodded thoughtfully. "That's the reaction I usually get. Well, the nonviolent one at least. I also tend to end up at the pointy end of things for some reason; swords, axes, arrows, you name it. One time this guy actually came at me with a broken chamber pot, but I'm pretty sure he was a skooma addict going through withdrawal, so I'm never sure whether I should count that one or not."

"Just…" Lyris sighed as she scanned the ground before picking up a half-buried rag that was at one point probably a shirt. Shaking out the shirt's previous owner, she held it up, decided it was long enough to reach mid-thigh on the naked Mer, and tossed it in her general direction. "Just put that on and let's go. We've already wasted enough time."

"Um, no." Khoa blinked and wrinkled her nose at the pile of rags, poking it gingerly with a toe. "I'll pass. You wouldn't happen to have any boots though, would you?"

"Nothing more important than a good pair of boots," Khoa mumbled under her breath, nodding decisively at her own words. "Well, nothing except a full flask - but that one's practically a necessity so it doesn't count."

"And why not?" The noise this time was clearly one of exasperation. Reaching into the pile where she found the shirt, Lyris grabbed a mismatched pair of moth-eaten slippers and tossed them at Khoa's feet before turning abruptly. "We don't have time. Put those on and let's go."

Peripherally aware of Lyris leaving through the cell door, and of Elukaena following behind silently after a short pause, Khoa crouched down and held up a slipper between two fingers, trying to touch as little of the threadbare and stained material as she could.

A desiccated toe fell to the floor, rolling to a stop about a foot away.

"Well, this is less than ideal."

 **0o0oo0o0**

Khoa finally caught up to her erstwhile rescuers in time to hear Lyris explain that Elukaena was, in fact, dead. Momentarily nonplussed, Khoa quickly decided that she had dealt with stranger and easily shrugged off the revelation. Giving a short whistle, Khoa announced her presence and gave Elukaena a more thorough onceover now that her eyes had adjusted to the dim lighting properly.

"You look very good for being dead," Khoa winked, only slightly putout at the Dunmer's lack of response. "Trust me – I've had extensive experience with both the dead and undead, and you put most living people to shame. Not even that moth-eaten potato sack you're wearing can hide your beauty – it shines through fabulously."

"So glad you could join us but is this really the time to be flirt-" Lyris turned towards Khoa only for her eyes to shoot upwards and glare at the ceiling. "For the love of- _why are you still naked_?"

"Question; do you know who died in that moldy outfit? No? Neither do I, but I'd rather not become intimately acquainted." Khoa snorted flatly, only to gleefully lift one of her legs and wiggle her foot. "The slipper was rubbish, but I repurposed the cleanest parts of the shirt into footwraps. No more pointy bones on sensitive feet for me!"

"Oh!" Khoa added as an afterthought. "Thanks for the breadcrumbs by the way - was easy as pie to follow the trail of dead Daedra."

"That's… What…" Lyris struggled for words before finally settling on, "Have you no shame?"

"I think I did, once," Khoa nodded in thought before continuing conversationally. "Been a few years since I've seen it, though. Somewhere between traveling alone and having someone shadow me _literally_ everywhere, I think. Actually, I'm pretty sure what little I had left died a slow death when Sofia started following me around."

Khoa paused, before elaborating helpfully, as if it made things any clearer to her audience. "The adult Sofia I found in the stables in… you know, I can't remember where exactly. Somewhere with a W, but not Windhelm. Not to be confused with Sofie, that sweet flower child, who I _did_ find in Windhelm. And since you're probably wondering, as far as I know there's no relation between the two - I asked."

"You…" Lyris stared resolutely at the ceiling, though Khoa could see a scowl forming on her face.

Khoa hid an amused smirk behind an idiotic grin. She really shouldn't be antagonising her savior so, but… It was just _so much fun_. What did she have to live for if not those precious moments of exasperation she induced in others? It was doing wonders for mood, which in turn was doing wonders for her hangover.

"Why, Lyris," Khoa sauntered up to look the tall Nord face to face. Or, face to chest area really. Khoa's height aside, Lyris was _very_ tall. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

"You…" Lyris' jaw worked, but only sounds of disgruntlement were making it out of her throat. "You…"

A sudden feeling came over Khoa, causing her to pale rapidly. It really was quite fortunate for Lyris that she was so tall, because just as the Nord finally dredged up the courage to look down at the Mer taunting her, Khoa finally lost the war with her nausea. What little was left in Khoa's stomach was expulsed with force, painting the front of Lyris' armor in a rancid slime before Khoa could even think to cover her mouth or turn her head.

Rapidly backing up, Khoa finished emptying her stomach a few feet away. Heaving turned to dry heaving, which then led to Khoa hacking and spitting the remnants from her mouth onto the ground. Swirling her tongue around, she grimaced; while the taste of draugr was no longer apparent, its place had been taken by something even fouler.

"Really sorry about that, should have warned you my stomach's been doing flips since you woke me up." Khoa breathed deeply, staring at her feet while she made sure she wasn't about to relapse. "On the bright side, my footwraps escaped my stomach's wrath unharmed. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be, squelching around with vomit-soaked feet? I think I'd rather chance the pointy bones."

Turned as she was, Khoa didn't see the look of disgusted horror on Lyris' face slowly morph into something altogether more murderous. She'd never know the danger she escaped by Elukaena's unintended yet timely interruption.

"…Prophet?"

Elukaena's quiet monotoned voice caught Lyris' attention, causing the warrior to close her eyes and take a few deep calming breaths. Once she was certain she wouldn't snap and throttle the aggravating Altmer – for with that attitude and propensity for ticking the Nord off she _had_ to be a High Elf, despite the minor deviances in appearance – Lyris sighed. Pointedly not looking down at the mess dripping down her chest plate onto her greaves and boots, Lyris decided that the best course of action was to ignore the annoyances plaguing her and just get on with her day.

"Just… Let's just go."

 **0o0oo0o0**

"I said I was sorry," Khoa all but whined as she tried to keep up with Lyris' longer strides. No reaction from the Nord was forthcoming beside her head tilting subtly away. "Oh, come _on_! Are you really going to spend however long we're stuck in this place ignoring me?"

Silence greeted her inquiries, causing Khoa to huff and fall back. Now keeping pace with the silent Dunmer, Khoa pouted and fluttered her eyes plaintively. "Are you going to ignore me too?"

Elukaena's red orbs flickered sideways at the taller Mer before staring blankly forward once more. "…No."

"Oh, good," Khoa sighed in relief. "I don't do well with being ignored. The silent treatment is one of the worst kinds of torture, right on up there with dry mugs and empty pockets."

Silence.

"So, you don't seem to be as affected by my nakedness as the Warrior Prude over there. Normally I'd take that as a good sign, but you don't seem to be affected at all – which is kind of a blow to my ego. Unless your appreciative look was so furtive that I missed it?" Khoa asked, absently watching Lyris take her pent-up anger out on a feral soul-shriven that had the misfortune of lumbering within range.

"Hm."

"… _Was_ your appreciative look so furtive that I missed it?" Khoa tore her attention from the literal pile of bones that was Lyris' opponent to give Elukaena a side-glance.

"No." Elukaena replied flatly.

"No appreciative looks at all, furtive or otherwise?" Khoa wheedled, still clinging to hope. "You can look again, just to be sure. I won't mind, really."

Elukaena obediently turned her head slightly and looked the preening Khoa up and down twice. Settling her red eyes on Khoa's clear green, she replied with the utmost seriousness. "No."

"That…" Khoa blinked rapidly, somewhat stunned. She wasn't vain – except maybe she was, just a little bit – but there was no end to her would-be suitors and their appreciative gazes back home. And that was while she was – usually – fully clothed. To have someone be so bluntly unaffected by her naked body in all its glory was… "That actually hurts. Whoever said words couldn't wound as deeply as a knife is obviously a hermit who has no business using knives. Or words."

"It's decided then," Khoa nodded into the ensuing silence, as if the two of them had just finished a long and well thought out conversation and come to an agreement by way of listing pros and cons. "I'll just have to refrain from getting dressed until someone appreciates me and wow do I sound both needy and slightly full of myself."

"Yes." Elukaena agreed with a solemn nod.

"That was a statement, not an invitation to agree with me," Khoa pouted. "Points for busting my pride down to size though, no matter how much it may sting. I usually have my followers for that. At first they're all 'My Lady' this, 'I'm sworn to carry your burdens' that, and 'I'll follow where you lead' - and then they start complaining that I only bring them into tombs and caves and that I can carry my own damn junk even though their bags _obviously_ still have room."

"Hm."

"You're not much of a talker, are you?" Khoa questioned after another long moment of silence.

Elukaena agreed with a slight forward tilt of her head.

"We'll have to work on that," Khoa decided after a moment of reflection. "So where are you from Elukaena? That's a mouthful – I'm going to call you Ellie from now on."

Elukaena spared Khoa a glance at that decision but didn't dispute the nickname and so Khoa took it as tacit approval. The silence that fell lasted a good few corridors, the only noise that of Lyris slicing through brittle bones and the distant sound of tortured moaning. Khoa was about to speak up, figuring Ellie really had decided to ignore her, only for the Dunmer to slowly begin to speak.

"I…" Elukaena paused, brow furrowed. Her words came haltingly. "I don't… know."

"Oh," Khoa breathed silently, her cheerful demeanor dimming into something more empathetic. For the first time since meeting her, Khoa could make out something other than a passive sort of seriousness on the Dunmer's pale grey face. Taking in the troubled look twisting her features, and the almost confused pleading in red orbs, Khoa further deflated. " _Oh_."

"Who… am I?" Elukaena mumbled quietly, almost softly, as if it had never occurred to her to ask the question.

"What do you remember, besides your name?" Khoa asked kindly, all attempts to flirt with or get a rise out of the Dunmer halting and instead being replaced with the same gentleness she used when speaking with Sofie or any of the other children she saved from a life on the streets.

"I think…" Elukaena hesitated, a quiet vulnerability visible on her face as she pondered the question. "I like…"

"Yes? What do you like?" Khoa prompted gently after another long moment of silence.

"I…" Elukaena started only to get cut off by Lyris.

"Hurry it up back there! We need to reach the Prophet's cell before we're noticed, or all this will have been for naught!" Lyris yelled.

Khoa would normally be appreciative of the fact that Lyris managed to yell without alerting every guard within a mile to their position, but really the Nord could have had better timing. With a frown, Khoa watched as Ellie's soft vulnerability was shuttered once more behind a blank mask. She let the Dunmer get a few steps ahead before trailing behind.

"I really shouldn't get attached." Khoa murmured to herself, green eyes studying Ellie with a new intensity. "I need to make my way back home and – and she's already dead."

"But so is Serana, and that didn't stop her from becoming family." Khoa worried her bottom lip. "I really shouldn't get attached, but…"

Khoa jogged forward suddenly, catching up to her companions with a whine. "Hey, wait for me!"

"If you can't keep up, you'll be left behind," Lyris snorted.

"Aw, Lyris! I knew you couldn't ignore my glorious self for long!" Khoa needled playfully.

"Lyris."

"Hey, Lyris?"

"Lyris!"

"Oh, come on, seriously?" Khoa huffed, catching a slight twitch of Ellie's lips out of the corner of her eye. When she turned her head, however, the serious mask was once more securely in place. She had a sudden urge to see it again, the fierceness of which surprised her in its intensity.

She had never been particularly good at doing what she should so really, why should she start now?

One more stray couldn't hurt.

 **0o0oo0o0**

 **Long (sorry) A/N: And so starts the** **blight of the** **Dragonborn in 2E Tamriel. She's playful, can be quite obnoxious, spits in the face of danger, doesn't play by the rules, is often either drinking, drunk, or hungover, and just generally does whatever the hell she wants because really, who's going to stop her? She has a heart of gold though, really.**

 **And our unfortunate hero, the amnesiac Vestige, who is sort of naïve, sort of impressionable, and has plucked our dear DB's heartstrings. So, really, at this point she's pretty much stuck with her whether she wants the DB around or not.**

 **We're going Aldmeri Dominion, by the way, though naturally that won't stop either of them from sticking their noses into the other factions' business.**

 **This will probably be a series of moments, rather than following everything step by step. While it will all be set in the same continuity, I will be picking and choosing, so expect a lot of skipping, changing, and expanding of the quests as well as adding in original content. At times I might follow both, or only one of the main characters, so they will be splitting up from time to time.**

 **If you couldn't tell by the first chapter, this will probably get a bit crackish. Seriously, don't take it seriously. I'm writing this for fun, and to get back into the swing of writing. It's been a while, and I claim all mistakes like a mature adult (go easy on the criticism, my poor heart).**

 **As for pairings – and this is important for some of you even though it'll probably only matter for certain chapters - I'm leaning towards Ayrenn or Naryu for the DB. Undecided for Vestige. Ayrenn/DB & Naryu/Vestige? We'll see, but expect at least one female/female pairing because I said so.**

 **I'll be happy to answer any questions or ponder upon any requests or suggestions. That being said, if I do have any readers, and you've stuck it out this far, is there anything specific quest or location wise in Khenarthi's Roost you'd like to see?**

 ****Updates sporadically, and probably around 3am. I write when I'm bored and the muses cooperate.****

 **Chapter 1 is brought to you by: 6 hours of nothing to do at work.**


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